Sunday, February 7, 2010
Its this feeling. Lying awake when you're supposed to sleep by 12am to get ready for lectures tomorrow. But I can't. I lie on my bed, awake, from 2am until 4am and still I don't feel sleepy. My mind is exhausted and I feel like screaming and crying but I can't. I toss and I turn until finally at 5am, I sleep. And I wake up on the dot at 6am.... forcing myself to sleep again until the time for me to wake up comes. Its been like this for a few days. I don't know whats causing this or why.
Have I been thinking too much?
I wish I can deny and say no but yes I have been thinking a lot. About so many things on so many levels.
Have I been talking to myself?
Yes I certainly have. Having monologues. My mind asks questions, and I respond to the questions out aloud. I creep myself out sometimes.
Have I been daydreaming?
Yes....I have, a lot. Especially during lectures. My attention has wavered a lot. I can't focus in class.... heck I'm not even progressing.
Yesterday I saw a bottle of pills.. herbal tranquilizers.. I wanted to get some and just gobble them down so that I can sleep. But how much can herbal tranquilizers do?...
:-(
Yesterday I cried without reason. I don't know why I cried. I just did. But maybe its like I'm so exhausted, I just want to sleep but I can't.
And yesterday, I had a thought... of making myself bleed just so that I can draw attention elsewhere.. and possibly, it can help me sleep.
...
I just hope that I'm not depressed or anything like that. But I think insomnia does come from depression.... God. I need a therapist. But how can I see the therapist if I don't know whats the real cause of my insomnia?
Labels: depression, insomnia, me, therapy
3:30 PM
Saturday, January 30, 2010
i haven't had this feeling in a very long time.
you know.. being suffocated by someone. emotionally.
but i was guilty as charged. not for leading him on but to allow our newfound friendship sway in a different direction...
ok that sounds like leading him on. BUT I DIDN'T!!
and look, based on what i tell him and stuff and my body language, any bozo would know that i am NOT interested at all..
but he still.......BAH.
aiya whatever. bottom line is i rejected him. and then he asked why. and i stupidly told him the truth. now he wants to be a better person and prove to me that he's the guy who's worth my time and interest. i was like oh crap! dammit, i should have just lied and said " oh im into men who are filthy rich. im materialistic, see."
to those who know me, yes i am materialistic but not to that extent lah.
jeez.
either way he has left me alone. and the way he ended the conversation is like saying its MY fault.
...
So suffocated. Until now.
4:16 PM
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Just yesterday I went shopping for my mum's clothes at Pavillion. As I was walking, I saw this long haired 30 something year old lady in a yellow sundress in front of me. She walked in small, slow steps and something about the way she walked seemed a bit different. She had a small bag pouch strapped over her shoulders and I realised! She's pregnant!
Well, pregnant women walking around alone is not a surprise here in cosmopolitan KL. Ok I am exaggerating KL's current status by saying that its cosmopolitan but thats not the point!
The issue here is that as she was walking ever so slowly in front of me, she fished out what seem to be a packet of cigarettes. Yes! It was!!! And she took out one stick and started to light it.
I was infuriated! Does she not care about the baby that she's carrying?!? Her irresponsibility disgusted me. And as she took a puff... and two... and three.. I quickened my pace and raised my finger up to her shoulders to give her a tap. But I was pushed aside by some hurrying prepubescent and his prepubescent friends.
Although I was shoved aside, I knew I had to put a stop to all this. She is carrying a child! Is she going to subject herself and her unborn foetus into a life of suffering?? No! This has got to stop here and now whilst its not too late. As I approached her, she suddenly turned to the side, where I was to tap her shoulders and threw the cigarette away.
And as I scanned her belly, I realised.. by golly! All these thoughts of being disgusted and whatnot...
I slowed myself down. She isn't pregnant at all!
Seriously...
I should really stop jumping into conclusions.
11:08 PM